Honorable Mention (Writing Category) in Where's the Humor in Alyria Contest- June 1st 2003 Three ogres were standing in line to get into the void one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Mordred had to tell the first one, "Void's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths.So what's your story?" So the first ogre replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed.As I came into my 25th floor building apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other ogre could have been hiding.Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this ogre hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground!By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers.Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay.I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into my room, grabbed my Vandemaar's Trunk and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly.But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Mordred, and let the ogre in. The second ogre comes up and God explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day.You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony.Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge.But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me.I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this mad ogre burst out onto the balcony.I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me.I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands.Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right.Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this gigantic trunk comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Mordred had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third ogre came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated.Mordred explained that the void was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third ogre, "I'm hiding naked inside a Vandy Trunk..." |